Hemorrhage
by MakaioRed
Summary: Krillin and Yamcha go to the Tenkaichi Budokai to watch Muten Roshi, while Goku lies in hospital sparkling because of a certain Cullen vampiric fairy. Their former master faces off against a most formidable foe: a cow. This story is a spin-off of "Go Go Gorilla" and is inspired, and partly based on, a fairly popular Tekken television commercial.
1. In My Hands

Krillin arrived at Tenkaichi Budokai. He bought two tickets and waited for Yamcha to arrive at the ticket station. He didn't want to miss any of the action and he wouldn't be happy if Yamcha was late. Krillin turned around and saw someone approaching.

"Hey Krillin!" Yamcha shouted while hurrying along to the ticket gate.

"Hey Yamcha," Krillin said.

Yamcha stopped, took in a deep breath and then said, "Goku says he's sorry he couldn't make it, he'd been attacked by a vampire, or something, a few days ago and he's in hospital."

"I know about it, 18 sent flowers," Krillin said. "Are Vegeta and Buruma with him?"

"Yeh, they're there to offer 'support' by laughing at him, because he sparkles in light now."

"Woah that's… hilarious… but I think we'd better get inside before we miss any action."

"Right," Yamcha agreed.

And so the two friends entered the stadium and found their seats. This particular tournament was important for a peculiar reason, their former master, Muten Roshi, was going to fight, and for the first time without his Jacky Chun alias. So his former students wanted to show their support by being there and to cheer him on.

Most of the other competitors were minor, even compared to Hercule, so they were of no challenge to Roshi. In every fight, Kame Sennin's performance was admirable and he made it to the final after beating a wrestler from the World Wildlife Fund.

There was still one fight left before the final to determine who the second finalist would be: hopefully one that would produce a worthy challenge to The Turtle Master.

The fighters entered the ring, drawing gasps and gapes from the crowd. The air around the arena thickened with cheers of anticipation. Inside it now stood a martial artist and a cow.

The artist's name was Forest Law. He was dressed in a white vest and pink tights. The name of his opponent was Lovely. When the announcer's call for the fight to start reached both their ears, Lovely proved just how... lovely she was.

Law launched several attacks, but Lovely just stepped back at each missed strike. Finally, he stopped to think of his next move; that's when the young cow made her move. She gave an indecisive Law several knocks with her body and kicks with her feet. He flew across the arena and was knocked out for the count.

"Winner!" the blond announcer screamed. The shocked crowd cheered. Lovely had just advanced to the final of the world's greatest fighting tournament.

Krillin and Yamcha looked at each other bewildered. "That cow's got some spunk," Krillin said.

To make an absolutely useless point, the tiles on the arena floor never looked so square, and most importantly clean. Soon, however, they would be stained with homo sapien blood. The announcer lifted his microphone up to his face and screamed, "Begin!"

All milky hell broke loose. The fighting fury of the turtle style was released by Roshi upon the lone livestock. Her dodges spared her the transformation into a 'lovely' steak. Kame Sennin ceased after his barrage of attacks; now out of breath and drawing in air to help his muscles breathe.

That's when Lovely decided to strike with her secret weapon. She raised herself off of the ground, now standing on her hind legs, and shouted, "Ka-moo-ha-moo-ha!"

Her udders shot milk outward at an incredibly high pressure and Roshi barely evaded the attack in time. His dive had sent him to the ground, but when he lifted his head up to look at his opponent something odd and perverted occurred. His eyes found the vision of the cow's udders, and his mind went catatonic. He found himself thinking of the 'puff puff' he'd performed on Buruma (or so he still thought; Oolong never told him the truth), and his nose become a fire hose of blood.

Completely dazed by memories of the past, Master Roshi stood motionless in the centre of the arena, nose bleeding heavily onto the clean tiles. The cow began her attack again.

Lovely knocked Roshi over onto the ground, and then a loud crunch was heard when she stomped on his baby maker. Roshi did not respond or scream in pain, because he was still lost in his trance.

"We've got to do something," Krillin said. "He's getting beaten so badly."

"What should we do?" asked Yamcha.

"I know," said Krillin beginning to undress.

"What are YOU DOING?" Yamcha shouted.

"You'll see!" Krillin shouted back, flying off into the air.

Somehow Master Roshi was standing again, mind lost to the imaginary smoke rings that were being produced from his 'puff puff' dream. His eyes were fixed on the horizon, but then something came into his view.

A naked Krillin flew across the arena; hopefully getting Roshi's attention and causing an exit out of his perverse trance. It worked. The moment Roshi's eyes detected the sign of a gentleman's sausage coursing through the air; he awoke and screamed, "Krillin put your clothes back on!"

He then turned his attention toward the cow, who was ringing her bell out of content. Roshi put his hands together and started to speak the usual "Kamehameha" incantation. A generic blue beam of chi escaped Roshi, making contact with Lovely. The overeager announcer had screamed, "FATALITY," but in reality the cow was just thrown out of the ring, still enough alive to give Muten Roshi his well earned victory.

Krillin and Yamcha ran up to their former master, who was next to the arena talking to one of the serving ladies who promptly slapped him. "I guess with that prize money I can find someone willing to do 'that thing' I want," he said while the lady stomped off in a huff.

"That was awesome Roshi-sama," both Yamcha and Krillin chorused.

Roshi was always tried to be modest when it came such matters, and both his former students were much stronger than him, so, instead, he ignored their comment and asked "do you two have a senzu bean for that cow?"

"Ah, yeah," Krillin answered, "why?"

"We've got to make sure our snack will be healthy and well fed before we roast it."

"Aaaaah," his former students both replied.

After feeding the mare and cow-napping it, they departed through the air for Turtle Island. With supper for a good week (without Goku around) and with their prize money they'd be living it up for a while. Unless, hopefully, they use that money for charity or something, or Top Gear Festival tickets, or… something.


	2. Three is a Crowd

The sound of heavy guffaws filled Goku's hospital room and awoke him. Into his hazy eyes slid into a dazed focus (though his mind did not). He was lolled upon a small bed and Chi Chi was sitting asleep beside it on a chair. With a similar, but much more energised jolt, Chi Chi also sprang to life from the abyss of unconsciousness.

Two voices, very much distinct, laughed and sent waves of witnessed humiliation through the gaps in the air. "Kakarot! If only you could see yourself," said a gruff voice, "You're sparkling!"

The voice made something in Goku's brainwork snap and his senses returned to a near full state of awareness, and he took in more of where he was. His eyes slid in the direction of the voice, and they discovered Vegeta, his blue-spandex wearing archrival. The arrogant prince had stopped laughing but had a mocking grin on his face, though Bulma, who was next to him, was still laughing. Goku's mind shook again and it tried to remember the last thing he did before being in the hospital. It was much of a blur, and even then he had trouble deciding whether it was motion blur or Gaussian blur. Though one thing was clear, he had been bitten along his neck.

Remembering some of his manners Goku said, "Hey guys!"

"Oh Goku," Chi Chi said while hugging him, "don't listen to Vegeta, at least you're still alive."

Goku eyed Vegeta and Bulma, and the sly looks on their faces. "What is he talking about?" he asked incredulously.

Bulma opened her handbag with a giggle, took out her compact and handed it to Goku.

"What? I'm twinkling! Oh well it could be worse. Has anyone got something to chew on? I'm starving."

"He's taking it so well, I can't believe it," said Bulma.

"Yes, he is. I'm sure his grandfather fed him drugs when he was young," said Vegeta.

Chi Chi leaned closer to her husband, answering his question. "Oh honey, I think the nurse will be here shortly with some food."

At that moment a nurse walked in with a tray laden with several, normal, everyday hospital snacks. Goku devoured the food with one big gulp, and then the tray with several big bites. Yet his stomach was still not appeased. He remained silent and didn't complain about it because he didn't want to be mocked any further by Bulma and Vegeta. Eventually after chatting, and laughing, up a storm, the two of them left, and Chi Chi fell asleep again in her small bedside chair. For hours Goku laid wake, starving, even though five more trays had arrived; their contents filling him with nothing but opaque air. Eventually a nurse came into his room with another tray, but also with a cart with blood bags.

Goku lifted his hand and said, "Excuse me nurse."

The nurse turned around and faced Goku. "Yes?"

"May I have a look at one of those blood bags?"

"Sure," the nurse replied, with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

The nurse retrieved a bag and brought it over to Goku. With a swift motion of his hand, he grabbed the blood bag, ripped the top off and guzzled the B-negative inside. The nurse tried to pull it away but he knocked her back with his hand.

The nurse fell, and the noise woke Chi Chi. She witnessed Goku drinking the blood and nearly screamed. Goku came to his senses and dropped the bag. Both he and his wife were shocked; now they knew what he had become: a sparlkoi.

Chi Chi and Goku had a long conversation about his case of vampirism while waiting for Gohan to arrive for a visit. It didn't take long for things to be decided. To make himself normal again, Goku would search for the Dragon Balls. He would do it alone so that he wouldn't get the urge to bite any of his friends or family. One of Goku's primary motivations was that he didn't like the idea of never being able to eat food. Another motivation was that he liked sleeping almost just as much as food. Lastly, getting a constant supply of blood for someone with an appetite like Goku's would require some doing, and lots of death.

When Goku's observation period at the hospital ended later that evening, he changed into his orange gi, said his goodbyes to his family and began his search for the Dragon Balls.

Using the dragon radar, he located all seven balls, travelled to and collected them in mere nanoseconds with Instant Transmission. He placed the seven balls on a clearing near the bottom of Korin Tower. He then summoned Shen Long from his slumber.

The orange balls flashed with bright yellow light and from them emerged the eternal dragon. He was gigantic; his eyes shone with red and his scales reflected with green. "I am the eternal dragon, but you may know my cousin Barney. I will grant you three wishes… if you are nice," the dragon rasped.

Goku stuck his hands up for dramatic effect, blinding the dragon with his sparkles. "I wish to be cured of my vampirism and be turned back into a normal saiyan," he screamed.

The dragon then said, "You forgot the magic word."

"All-your-base-are-belong-to-us!"

"But that's seven words!"

"I put dashes in between them," Goku argued.

The dragon gave a nod to show he had conceded. "Even so, it is not the magic word."

"Abracadabra?"

"No!"

Goku crossed his arms and thought really hard about his next word. "Open-Sesame," he said.

The dragon roared with irritation, then he said, "No, look you're making a request, not a demand, so you should show respect."

"Ohhh. I know," Goku said. "Please!"

"Yes, good boy," the dragon congratulated, "Unfortunately your wish cannot be granted. It exceeds the power of my egg-laying master."

"After all that! Fine. I guess it's time to do something decent then. I wish for a new, fully equipped school in Uub's village!"

"Your wish has been… hey… wait a minute…" the dragon said, "Oprah's already built one."

"Oh well, I wish for the end of B.E.E. in South Africa!"

"As you have wished, so has it been granted."

"Right. And could you turn Dende into a female namekian. I know they don't have any but he could be the first. Flute, I mean Piccolo, could use a girlfriend."

"Your wish is my command. Tell me your last wish!"

Goku knocked his forehead with his hand several times then said, "I wish every copy of DragonBall Evolution blows up!"

"It has been granted," the Dragon said. "It's now time for me to hustle, you fool. Later punk!"

The dragon disappeared in a blinding flash of light into the dragon balls and then the balls lifted up into the air. As the balls reached the climax of their ascent, they knocked together and Goku could hear the distinct sound of the dragon's voice screaming 'my balls'.

Feeling defeated, and rather down, Goku left the clearing and walked through the forest. He walked for several meters when out of nowhere Yajirobe stopped him.

"Hey Goku," Yajirobe said cheerfully. "Here, have a senzu bean you look down."

As Goku swallowed the bean, his skin no longer sparkled, and his thirst for blood vanished. The virus he had acquired from Edward Cullen had been defeated; Goku no longer a vampire.

Goku jumped up and down with elation. "Yes!" he screamed, "yes!"

"Hey, you don't look so bad anymore," Yajirobe rasped. "We should get something to eat." Both his and Goku's stomachs were making noises of a monstrous nature. So they started searching the forest for something large and alive to capture and roast.

This was bad news for Kuma Junior, who was trying to steal honey from a rather tall tree. Kuma was caught completely off guard when Goku shot a kamehameha straight at him.

"Bear! It looks yummy!" shouted Goku with glee. He began a fire to roast the bear with the help of Yajirobe. All was good again in the world, at least Goku's world, though the Mishima's were now missing a much favoured servant.


End file.
